13: Why We Blame Others and the 4 Levels of Consciousness

Podcast Episodes
August 28, 2022

The Authentic Wife and Mom

Beth Rowles | The Conscious Marriage Coach

Wondering why we blame others and what the four levels of consciousness are?

In episode 13 of The Authentic Wife Show, I talk about ego frequency and the other three levels of consciousness, which dictate how in control we feel of our life.


Today we’re going to dive into a topic about levels of consciousness and something called ego frequency. I was introduced to this in the book Quantum Love by Dr. Laura Berman, but I recently saw it again in another book about energetic selling and marketing, and she credits it to someone named Peter Sage, who’s the author of The Inside Track. And his book was published in 2018, and Laura’s was published in 2016, and I can’t remember any other reference to it, so I’m not sure who to credit it to, but it’s like a known thing out there, so I wanted to share it with you guys so you can understand what it is and begin to make sense of it and see how it can show you when you’re operating from your ego and when you’re operating from your highest self as you interact with other people.

I noticed that in Lenka Lutonska’s book, Energetic Selling and Marketing, she added a fourth stage, so we’re going to kind of go through that one together. But I will tell you that these are fascinating, and they’re really helpful for understanding what kind of mode you’re operating from.

The 1st Plane: Ego Frequency – To Me

Why We Blame Others and the 4 Levels of ConsciousnessEgo frequency is this thing that we experience anytime we are struggling. It can be rewarding and enjoyable, but it never comes easy. It’s more like pleasure or synthetic bliss rather than pure joy. It’s like finding pleasure from outside sources. It’s not really coming from within. We’re also here anytime we’re striving for perfection because as we do that, we feel worthy of love. Like I’m being awesome, and I’m going to be successful, and then I’ll be worthy of love.

We can be living there because we can’t be loving and forgiving of ourselves unless we feel we’ve earned it. it comes from this belief that we aren’t enough and the world isn’t a place of unconditional, abundant love. This place stems from a deep belief in our own unworthiness, of life being unfair, of being hopeless in our situation.

We’re stuck just trying to earn love and earn approval. Like if I lose weight, if I earn more money, if I’m a better whatever I am, if I’m a better Christian, or if I live with this Budha heart as Dr. Berman says, then I’ll be worthy of love, I’ll be worthy of approval.

It’s also when we’re in this place of lack, of scarcity, of thinking that there’s never enough, there’s not enough to go around, there’s not enough to share it with everybody.

it’s also when we’re in this fix-manage-control mode, as Dr. Berman calls it: FMC Mode. We are reading all the books, we’re looking for the answers, looking everywhere for the clues, we’re going to figure it out and make it better, and we are managing it and controlling it to make it good and perfect.

That’s our ego frequency or our To Me state. We think that everything in life, when we’re in that level of consciousness, is happening TO us. That’s when we say things like, “Why me?!” Basically, we’re in victim mode. 

We can easily fall back here when things aren’t going the way we want them to. It’s easier to blame somebody else for what’s happening instead of saying, I’m here because of choices I made that got me here. In her book, Lenka says, “I would grow my business if it weren’t for the fact that my family needs me more right now,” we assign this blame when we are in To Me consciousness.

We’re letting life happen to us and reacting to what’s happening. We’re letting our circumstances inform what we can or can’t do. We feel like things are out of our control. We feel limited. We think that we’re stuck, that we have no hope. if it weren’t for this thing, then we’d be fine, we’d be great.

That’s a really powerless place to be. It’s also a huge lie that we tell ourselves.

In her book, Quantum Love, Dr. Berman lines it up to emotions, and I have a little bit of a different take on emotions than she does, but if you were to go to anger and not use it as guidance, you get stuck there, and you go down into this mood state of hate. And you’re like, “Oh, everybody treats me wrong, he always treats me poorly.” but what happened was the anger came to alert you to stand up for your own worth, to protect yourself, to demand that you be treated better. So when you’re stuck there, it’s because you’ve resisted that message. You’ve ignored it or suppressed it, shoved it down to be the perfect good girl or whatever it is in this case.

These are more like the mood states you get into because the emotions themselves are wonderful guidance. They are always giving us information about what to do next. It’s when we ignore them and get stuck there that that’s when we are in this ego frequency.

We think, “Ugh, this person made me angry again. How dare they?!” When all along that anger was just your soul tapping you on your shoulder: “Beth! Protect yourself! Don’t stand for this! You can leave the room if he’s not going to talk to you in a respectful way!” or “You can demand that the manager come over and take care of your problem instead of letting the salespeople waste your time.” That’s a message for you to take action.

So the first level of consciousness is ego frequency in the To Me state.  All things are “being done to you,” and you’re assigning blame. 

The 2nd Plane: Co-Creator Frequency – By Me

When we move into the By Me state, we go above the line of ego. We become this co-creator of our reality. We’re choosing curiosity over defensiveness.

That’s where a lot of us are most of the time, or a lot of us who have already begun the personal growth work, becoming a conscious parent, that kind of thing, we’re here most of the time, Dr. Berman calls it our “Home Frequency.”

We begin to take absolute control for our results. We become the person who makes it happen, we don’t wait, hope, pray, and blame. We are taking charge. We are figuring out our strengths and the alternatives, and the ways we can make it happen. We are rolling up our sleeves to go for it. We’re taking responsibility for the results that we experience. We’re taking responsibility for the natural consequences of our actions or even our inactions.

This can also be exhausting. We know that all the responsibility is on us. There’s no knight in shining armor coming to save us. It’s on us. If I work hard enough, I’ll do it, I’ll get it done. We’re shifting a little bit more out of the ego. We don’t feel like we’re in victim mode anymore, but we’re still striving, we’re still doing. We’re taking responsibility, but we’re still feeling like it’s all on us.

So we’ve been in the first level of ego frequency or the To Me state, we’ve moved into the By Me state, we’re curious and taking control as a co-creator of our reality. Now we’re moving up to the Through Me state.

The 3rd Plane: Believer Frequency – Through Me

This is that state of flow. This is when we recognize our power. This is when we know that there is a greater universal power beyond ourselves. This is when we create our reality.

This is when crap happens to us and we go, “Ok how is this serving me? How is this here for me? What is the lesson in this?”

This is when we give up on managing, controlling, and fixing, and we’re working hard at staying at least in this Home Frequency, at least in this content, hopeful energetic state if not higher.

We’ve moved through the victim, we’ve moved through the striving, and now we’re really bringing faith into the picture. Faith that we are connected to something more. When we are in harmony with what we’re aiming for, these things just start to happen. Positive things happen out of nowhere. People show up at the right place at the right time. People call us right when we’re about to pick up the phone. Everything seems to be more effortless, faster, and easier. 

Flow makes our work enjoyable. We just fly through things because we are inspired, and we’re just kind of going with life, going where life takes us. We’re activating our highest potential. We’re growing and really thriving in our lives. And we don’t want to move back down. We don’t want to go back to the other levels of consciousness (or unconsciousness). I know it’s hard, it’s really hard.

Lenka says, “We have to give up the need or control and replace it with trust. We have to embrace uncertainty a little more.”

So this is where Dr. Berman ends her states in Quantum Love, but here, Peter and I guess Lenka add a fourth state, so this is newer to me. She calls it As Me consciousness.

The 4th Plane: Presence Frequency – As Me

So ego frequency is To Me, then we move into By Me, then we move into Through Me, and now we are in As Me consciousness. She says this is even more, infinitely more powerful than the Through Me consciousness way of living and running your business. This book is more about business obviously, it’s a sales book.

“The As Me consciousness is when you lean into this level of perceiving your reality, and you no longer make things happen, you no longer co-create with the universe, because you know with every fiber of your being that you are the universe. You let go of the illusion of separateness and belief that you are separate from anything or anyone else. This is the state of oneness with all there is. You know that every person, thing, in your rich universe is a mirror image of you,” Lenka says in Energetic Selling and Marketing.

So interesting. So this is going beyond being in flow, and beyond just faith that it’s going to happen, and it’s where you really – to me, I would almost call this presence. Because if you really, I don’t want to say get it right, because that sounds egoic, but my experience has been when I get into absolute full presence, I don’t feel separate from anything. It has a very unique quality to it where everything you touch feels so special. It’s almost like what I imagine a psychedelic trip to be without using that. I’ve only experienced that level of presence a few times, ironically not from meditation. They came from sort of a meditative state, but not really a meditation. Really just super connecting with my Higher Self, and I think that’s really the key.

When we open up and allow connection, and of course, we feel at one with everything. This is also the magic that is connecting with your husband. And the reason why we don’t want to do it is because we don’t even want to connect with ourselves half the time. We won’t even take that minute to sit with ourselves because we’re so busy doing, doing, doing, and fixing-managing-controlling to make things happen. Striving instead of attuning our frequency to a different level, connecting to everything else that is.

She says, “You discover that you no longer need to react to everyday circumstances, and you can decide what those circumstances are… You can create any result in your business you like, at your will.”

So I think that is a beautiful place to be. It’s a harder place to get to in the beginning because you really have to understand your personal energy and understand how to move from these lower levels to a higher level, where you really feel oneness with everything that you are trying, wanting, and desiring to create in your life.

What does this mean for our marriages?

So how does this apply to our relationships? How does it apply specifically to our marriages?

This really is the core of everything that I teach. We have to understand that we’ve been operating — through no fault of our own, because most of the world operates this way — we’ve been operating from ego frequency. We’ve been operating from a victim mode of blaming other people for what’s happening to us. And we’ve believed this lie that we are powerless to change it in any way. And so here is the truth and the key for you, that I want to share with you, is that there are these other levels of consciousness, there are these other ways to operate in the world.

Where you go from victim mode, to co-creator, to creating your reality, to being one with all there is in the universe. And it depends on your energy.

And in my opinion, the way to move through those states is through emotions. We can surely think about it. I did a lot of thinking about it when I was learning from Dr. Shefali. Thinking about healing and that kind of thing. The real work, because it’s an energetic shift, is happening through emotions. Understanding what they mean, understanding what’s old stuff from our childhood, from our past, so we can clear it away and get access to the new stuff, and then knowing how to use each one of those emotions as guidance so we know how to either be more authentic or take different action, protecting ourselves, holding our boundaries.

We spiritually bypass instead of admitting that we’re enmeshed

All of it, the fastest route, and this is probably why so many people go the spiritual route, is through that connection to everything that is. But that place is really beautiful, so we like to spiritually bypass the work and just say, “I feel really good when I meditate. You’re the problem. You lower my vibe. You can’t be in my life.” And what does that sound like? Yeah! Ego frequency. That’s back to the To Me state, that’s back to victim mode, “It must be your fault that my vibe has changed!” No, it’s not. That energy is for you, or you are enmeshed to that person and you’re taking that energy on as your own.

I did a good interview with Tracy Nolin Beerman on this, and we both agreed because we’ve both done this journey in our marriage. It’s not that he’s bringing you down. It’s that you are aligning to him.

So again, it’s like either you are so enmeshed you are taking on his energy as your own, you don’t know where you end and where the other person begins, or he’s doing something that your soul is not ok with. And it’s tapping you on the shoulder with that emotion and trying to get you to take action and you are just saying, oh he’s the problem, too bad. But no, you have lots of power over how others treat you. And your energy is so important in changing how others treat you, in changing the way people react to you.

I talk more about this in Episode 3 of The Authentic Wife Show: How To Stop Letting Your Partner’s Negativity Drain You

Because remember, if we’re connected to everything, and we feel one with everything, what we experience is very different than if we come into the room already guarded, already thinking he’s ridiculous, lazy, incompetent, whatever it is we think of him, we’ve moved down into ego frequency. So we’re getting what happens at that level frequency. 

We get everything that is a match to that frequency in our experience

They’re kind of like different planes, and on this lower plane, that’s your experience, you have lots of people who are also in ego frequency, and you’re experiencing all of this stuff that you don’t want, and then you move up a plane to By Me, and then you’re cocreating, you’re still working hard and taking responsibility for things, and life is better, but then you move up to Through Me, and you know your power, and you know that there’s something out there beyond you conspiring to make things happen for you. And then apparently, you move into As Me, and you know that everything is you. You’re already connected. That client you want is already a part of you, it’s the energy that calls her in.

Or the husband you want your husband to be is already there, like you’re calling him in through your energy.

So this may be out there for some of you, but I just want you to know that it exists. It’s amazing once you know it. And now that you know it, you cannot pretend that you don’t know. You cannot pretend that when you are in blame that it’s the other person’s fault that you feel the way you do. You can’t do that anymore! I’m sorry, I apologize, I’ve ruined it for you. But you don’t get to be in this unconscious place anymore because I have now made you aware, or conscious, of the fact that when you feel like a victim of your life, you are living in ego frequency, and you have at least three other choices.

So I encourage you to shift up, and move up today.

To learn more about having a conscious marriage, click here.

If you want to get started on that, I recommend beginning to learn what your emotions mean. I have a download for you, which you can go right to by going to theprincessandthepeeve.com . You can download that assessment and it’s really simple. Because if you don’t actually know what you’re feeling yet, you just kind of check off some boxes, and then it tells you at the end ok this is what you’re feeling, and this is what it means. So that’s a great way to get started with this work.

I also have a class on emotions called Royally Guarded which I think is amazing! And I hope you’ll take that. And if you have any questions, you can always send them directly to me as well.

So here’s to living in higher states of consciousness. Here’s to loving and having beautiful relationships from these beautiful, energetically connected places where not only are you as a human participating in the relationship, but you as a soul, as a spiritual being, are delighted by the experience you are having. 



Beth Rowles
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I'm Beth Rowles, Hi!

I help driven moms use the conflict in their marriage as a feedback loop to grow in self-awareness so they can create the marriage they, and their kids, deserve without leaving the one they're in or waiting for their husband to evolve.

I'm the author of The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage and host of The Authentic Wife Show podcast & YouTube channel.


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"Your partner is ultimately a mirror of how you feel about yourself, and your relationship will call on you to get into integrity with earlier wounds and negative life patterns."

--Dr. Laura Berman, Quantum Love

Love Queen, Enneagram 5, Child Prioritizer, Problem Solver, Book Lover, Authenticity Expert, And Your Marriage Saver

I’m Beth.
Your Authenticity
[to keep it a Family] Coach.

You and your kids deserve a marriage that brings your light to life. That may seem far away right now, but I’m proof that it’s possible and in your power to create! Stop worrying about what your kids are learning from him and let’s figure out what they can learn from you, mama!