Why Blame Is Creating Relationship Issues

Exploring Triggers, Intention Setting, Marriage
May 1, 2021

The Authentic Wife and Mom

Beth Rowles | The Conscious Marriage Coach

When we feel negative or depleting emotions, it means that we are in an ego state where we believe that life is happening TO us. We are blaming others for our problems. 

What I did and what I see women do all the time is that we start to have judgments about our spouse, a common one is that he’s too lazy or not productive enough. This is holding up a mirror for us actually, the judgment is there because it’s a part of ourselves we rejected in childhood to be considered a “good girl” or we’re actually in some way also being lazy or unproductive yet we’re not aware of it… usually it’s in a blind spot because we want it to be. But at a subconscious level, we’re bothered by it and want to change it.

So instead we blame our husband for being lazy. When we register the behavior, we move into the depleting emotion (anger, shame, guilt, fear), then we outwardly express it by criticizing, being passive-aggressive, shutting down, or belittling our husband. You have to understand as a woman that most husbands are here to serve. They find the woman who will give them healthy babies, then they will do whatever that woman needs to raise those babies up into successful adults. So the negative emotions and criticism cut deep and then they shut down, because now you’ve shifted the balance of masculine and feminine energies. The demands, orders, criticism, and cold detachment shift the masculine energy in the relationship to you, the wife.


So now the man is even deeper into the feminine energy but not in a healthy way. And the woman goes even more into an unhealthy masculine energy. From this state, the man is conflicted and now doesn’t know what problem to solve because the masculine energy just shuts them down. Their ideal state of nature is knowing there are problems they can solve to provide for and protect their family, to serve you.
So now they’re in a negative or depleting emotional state because they feel anger, shame, resentment, guilt, or apathy.

And then you go do your work, or so it seems. You come in the room feeling happy and high-vibe because you’ve done your self-care. But the damage is already done. And as soon as you walk in the room the dynamic of your two energies come into balance and bam, you subconsciously move into that negative emotional state because you’re reminded that here’s this lazy jerk, and he matches that state, and now it feels like he pulls you down.

Your fear about him not being the right husband for you is met with his fear and then thoughts, words, and behavior ensue that match those two depleting emotional states.

Had you instead explored what was coming up for you when you first decided he was lazy –

  • What you needed to heal
  • What limiting beliefs you have
  • How this is reflecting something in you
  • What you’ve been too afraid
  • Boundaries you haven’t held
  • Enabling you’re doing
  • Self-care you’re not giving yourself

Then you could handle the situation in a BY ME or THROUGH ME state, knowing that you’re the creator of what happens next.

With love and a supportive intention you can communicate, express needs, figure out how to get those needs met and be responsible for meeting them

Blaming the other keeps you stuck in a state of lack, keeps you stuck in a powerless state.

From that state, you drag others down, and then it feels like they’re dragging you down.

But whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re entering the room with a closed heart, ready to fight. And you’re creating exactly what you’re afraid of.


Click here to read more about having a Conscious Marriage. 

Beth Rowles
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I'm Beth Rowles, Hi!

I help driven moms use the conflict in their marriage as a feedback loop to grow in self-awareness so they can create the marriage they, and their kids, deserve without leaving the one they're in or waiting for their husband to evolve.

I'm the author of The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage and host of The Authentic Wife Show podcast & YouTube channel.


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"Your partner is ultimately a mirror of how you feel about yourself, and your relationship will call on you to get into integrity with earlier wounds and negative life patterns."

--Dr. Laura Berman, Quantum Love

Love Queen, Enneagram 5, Child Prioritizer, Problem Solver, Book Lover, Authenticity Expert, And Your Marriage Saver

I’m Beth.
Your Authenticity
[to keep it a Family] Coach.

You and your kids deserve a marriage that brings your light to life. That may seem far away right now, but I’m proof that it’s possible and in your power to create! Stop worrying about what your kids are learning from him and let’s figure out what they can learn from you, mama!