When One Parent is Behaving Badly

Connection, Ego, Husband, Marriage, Parenting, Teach
November 8, 2017

The Authentic Wife and Mom

Beth Rowles | The Conscious Marriage Coach

 I have seen this question from parents countless times: 
My spouse is not a peaceful parent, what do I do??

I’m going to generalize here, as I know this is not always the case, but typically out of a child’s parents, one (typically male), is unlikely to want to learn anything about parenting.

A lot of people have this idea that, because they were a child once, and they had parents, they therefore KNOW how to be a parent.

It’s so interesting to me because so many people also deal with what they experienced in childhood on an everyday basis, whether it’s shame over the food they eat, feeling unworthy of love, or inability to live without fairly constant anxiety.

Thankfully, with all of the information at our fingertips today, even parents that choose not to read books or research will often come across some great parenting tips or things they didn’t know about childhood development.

I know first-hand that a couple not being on the same page around parenting can lead to a lot of chaos and disconnection in the relationship.  Especially for a mother who has been committed from the moment she had a positive pregnancy test to being the best she could be, any disrespect toward her child, especially from her spouse, will cause anger (driven by fear) to rise up inside her.

I remember very early on after my first child was born, having a discussion in the car one day about my passion over not spanking children.  At the time, my husband was not opposed to it.  He was spanked.  I was spanked.  He thought spanking was effective.  He had no idea there was any other way to deal with undesired behavior!

That was when a boundary was set: spank my child and we will not live together.  We will not remain married.  In my house, everyone needs to feel safe!

From then until now, so much has changed.  My husband is really good at both play and affection so he definitely is a million steps above a lot of dads that are completely un-involved or quick to anger, but he still does things that tend to cause me to want to react.

Because he hasn’t read everything I have, he’ll use shaming phrases without even realizing what he’s doing.  Or, his ego will come out, and all of a sudden he’s arguing with a three year old.  It drives me bananas, but the reaction that I want to have comes from fear: fear that my child will be messed up from it.

So many moms are in my shoes.  I see this question every day in fact.  However, we have to remember that our children CHOSE us.  For some reason, they chose this life and these parents to learn whatever lessons they have to learn.

And they are on their own journey.  They will experience all kinds of different people and experiences that help them grow in the ways they are meant to.

They may not experience unconscious behavior with their mother, but they’ll find it somewhere – at school, with extended family, with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or with their father.  It will happen.  I can’t put my babies in a bubble, as much as I want to some days.

The good news is that their relationship with their dad is a separate entity from their relationship with their mom.  Their dad will reap the benefits of his behavior at some point, just as the mom will reap hers.  If it’s not when the child is so young and impressionable, it will be when they are older… teenagers or even adults.

At some point the child or adult will realize that they didn’t feel so great around dad, and they’ll explore their memories and understand why.

So, it IS my job to protect my children, and if I had a grossly unconscious spouse I would do everything in my power to get them away from him, but one conscious parent is ENOUGH.  That’s all they need.  One person that supports them no matter what, coaches them emotionally, loves them without need or dependence.  

Please do not lose hope if you are the only conscious parent in your home.

By modeling consciousness, the consciousness of those around you will rise. 

According to Quantum Physics, those we are in relationship with will entrain to (match) our energy.  Simply staying in a positive emotional state even in the face of negativity will cause your partner to move closer to your state.

In my case, my spouse is my greatest teacher as HE is the one that triggers me to react, and grow, and explore my beliefs.  Some day my kids may help me grow as well but so far it has been this evolution with my husband, as a whole person and as a relationship.

As I’ve learned to set boundaries, so much as changed, and as I’ve learned to stay in the moment and respond rather than react, he has changed.  Our relationship has completely transformed because I have completely transformed!

Really, it’s not him, it’s me!  It’s my “thorny stories” from my own childhood at play that were preventing growth. 

If you are in this situation, you will know if your spouse or partner is no longer growing with you and when the situation is no longer allowing YOU to grow.  In the meantime, don’t wait to transform.  Life is calling you to evolve, and your child’s future depends on it.

Hey guys!  I’m now accepting applications for a FREE 45 Minute Authentic Wife & Family Evaluation Call!  I want to learn more about your challenges, whether they be with your child or your spouse, and your desired results, so I can help you achieve them in the shortest time possible!  Just click Book Services to see if I have a space available to chat with you today!

Beth Rowles
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I'm Beth Rowles, Hi!

I help driven moms use the conflict in their marriage as a feedback loop to grow in self-awareness so they can create the marriage they, and their kids, deserve without leaving the one they're in or waiting for their husband to evolve.

I'm the author of The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage and host of The Authentic Wife Show podcast & YouTube channel.


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"Your partner is ultimately a mirror of how you feel about yourself, and your relationship will call on you to get into integrity with earlier wounds and negative life patterns."

--Dr. Laura Berman, Quantum Love

Love Queen, Enneagram 5, Child Prioritizer, Problem Solver, Book Lover, Authenticity Expert, And Your Marriage Saver

I’m Beth.
Your Authenticity
[to keep it a Family] Coach.

You and your kids deserve a marriage that brings your light to life. That may seem far away right now, but I’m proof that it’s possible and in your power to create! Stop worrying about what your kids are learning from him and let’s figure out what they can learn from you, mama!