So what is an Authentic Wife, and what does it mean to make authentic choices? And what do we do if we chose our marriage from an inauthentic place?
In the fourth episode of The Authentic Wife Show, I talk about what it means to make authentic choices and how we actually become more authentic, especially in our marriage.
What is an Authentic Wife?
When I say “The Authentic Wife,” it means that I’m helping you get to a place of clarity, of self-awareness, where you know what you like and can make a choice that’s authentic for you every moment.
Every relationship propels us forward on our growth path either through contrast or collaboration. And contrast is experiencing what we don’t like.
Each time we experience contrast is an opportunity to go; ok, I don’t like the results of that. That is our opportunity to grow in self-awareness of what we do like.
Collaboration is when everything is working with us to move us forward. We’re really in alignment with who we really are. The people and things and resources that we need come into our lives to help us.
Should you leave relationships made from inauthentic choices?
You did get to where you are from choices you needed to make for your own growth. But just like you’re not going to shave your head if you don’t like the way your hair turned out, you don’t have to throw everything away because of the way that you got there. The whole point of growth, of getting into alignment with your soul, is the ability to now make authentic choices.
Say you chose a husband who at this point in time does not always speak to you respectfully. Maybe he gaslights you or talks over you or maybe when he talks he makes everything sound like all your fault or something. Once you know, hey this does not work for me to be spoken to like this, then you can hold that boundary and walk away when he’s speaking to you in a way that’s unacceptable to you.
You don’t have to leave everything behind, get a divorce, or lose friendships, and you just have to figure out what works for you and then hold those boundaries. You can have the conversation, talk about it and change things, or accept who they are and meet them with empathy.
How an authentic wife changes a narcissist
Step out of your role in the dysfunctional relationship. A narcissist needs an empath to survive. If you think that you’re with a narcissist, stop being an empath. Ask for help, put your needs first, and don’t be a doormat to them.
People usually are not the same everywhere we go; we adapt to the situation. Who somebody is with you could be very different than they are with another person.
People are different all the time depending on who you are to them. Depending on the relationship that you have co-created. And you have the power at any moment to change that by changing the role you play in it.
How to use your marriage to make authentic choices
And one of the ways you do that is by observing what’s happening. What are the consequences of your choices? Becoming an authentic wife means becoming aware of the consequences of your choices so you can make an authentic choice the next time.
Once you become conscious and aware of how you got there, you go back to the root cause and go ok, next time I’m going to do this differently. It’s not always easy because we have emotional baggage and childhood wounds that lead to those choices. If there is something that needs to be healed, then you can do that and that’s what enables you to consciously set an intention before you make a choice and show up in a way that is authentic for you. This is what my clients do in month two of my Happily Ever After hybrid marriage coaching program for wives who want to be more authentic.
If you see something that you don’t like in the relationship that you have co-created, then you have the power to change it by making a different choice next time.
Boundaries are one of the ways we change behavior
The biggest way that this happens is in boundaries. We have to step into our worth. My journey was uncovering all of these conditioned beliefs I had, then it was really understanding my worth and taking care of myself, then looking at boundaries and showing others how to love me. We get so afraid to do that because we get so afraid of being left behind.
He deserves to know how it’s ok to love me. And in general, how it’s ok to love people. Me holding this boundary with him now not only shows him how I want to be treated but helps him understand how women or men in his future want to be treated as well. AND how he should be treated.
Your whole life is not going to disappear because you start becoming more authentic. Becoming authentic doesn’t mean that you rebuild your life from an authentic place in the sense of starting over. You don’t have to demolish the house and build it up brick by brick again. In fact, when you made the choices that got you where you are, there is some truth in them. Because they were all things, you needed to experience to grow.
These relationships appear in our life to give us this feedback that we didn’t have yet. Until our children reawakened those childhood wounds of our own, until our children also took up so much of our energy and time that created issues in our marriage, we chose all of that. And we chose it because it was the perfect thing for us and our healing.
The Pygmalion and Golem Effect
Ok so here’s why the way you think about and talk to your spouse (or child) matters so much.
It’s called the Pygmalion Effect and the Golem Effect. Basically, your attitudes toward and expectations of your husband or children can predict their behavior and performance. The way you treat them will help determine how they act and how they perform their job. They are, essentially, self-fulfilling prophecies. Higher expectations lead to an increase in performance. Treating people as if they are capable will inspire them to believe they are capable!
Show someone you believe in them, and they’ll try to justify that belief.
In contrast, show someone that you don’t believe in them, and they’ll make that happen too. This is called the Golem Effect.
Here’s a video on it:
If you’re ready to dive in and discover what an authentic wife is and how to make authentic choices, please sign up for my Happily Ever After Marriage Coaching Program! I’d love to work with you to use your marriage, and all of your relationships, to live a happier life. >> CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Or, you could start by reading my book, The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage.
To start paying more attention to your guidance towards authentic choices, I recommend downloading my free emotion assessment called The Princess & The Peeve. It’s just a quick checklist that you can use anytime to narrow down what you’re feeling and what it means.
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