What do you do with a husband who can go into a rage? With a spouse who rants and complains and is unconscious?
When I was learning Conscious Parenting and exploring the Tao and mindfulness, meditation and detachment, I was really confused about what it meant. I started to just witness my husband. I was aware that he was being unconscious and that he had work to do… but I was totally lost on what to actually DO and how to support him through it.
Finally, I understood that what I actually needed in those moments was to be in a state of loving detachment, to have empathy, to understand what it was like to be in his shoes rather than judging it as unconscious or wanting to move away from it. I could love him through it, empathize with him, and help him process what he was experiencing. And in some cases, I could walk away because he started to violate my boundaries by talking to me disrespectfully. I was able to remain in a state of love.
One of the best books I’ve read on empathy is actually Never Split the Difference by former FBI Negotiator Chris Voss. If you have Masterclass, be sure to watch his series on there as well. He has perfected bringing people down from extremely heightened emotional states through empathy and gives you the practical ways to convey the empathy you feel (and it is something you must embody) to the other person.
My clients struggle to be in this state of loving empathy with their partners until they’ve done the work themselves, which is why The Quantum Love Journey first takes you on an inward journey before you try to hold space for your partner.
But you can begin to learn about empathy and experience it with your own coach, therapist, or really conscious friends. And you may find it much easier to practice with your children before you start practicing with your spouse. You cannot be in a state of loving detachment and be defensive and triggered, critical and domineering.