“It’s not just one person. I participated with my exes and I have to be responsible for that. It doesn’t mean I’m responsible for his actions, but I am still partly responsible, and I just didn’t hear that in her podcast…”
On this show, I’m joined by Nicole Lupushansky. For this conversation, I asked Nicole to listen to reality star and business mogul Bethenny Frankel’s recent podcast where she shared details about her nine-year divorce. I watched Bethenny early on in her relationship with ex Jason Hoppy and was really surprised when the two separated, and wanted to hear more about why this divorce was as torturous as she made it sound. Nicole was not familiar with her and was able to share her fresh perspective.
Nicole Lupushansky is a Transformation Co-Parenting & Divorce Coach. A child’s well-being is the center of her work and life, whether that child is her child or yours. She was raised by a father who was adopted and had the sweetest demeanor. Therefore, he never spoke badly about her mother after divorce. He gave her the freedom to choose what she thought of her mom, and that is a gift she will treasure for the rest of her life.
This gift has given her the ability to co-parent with ease, even though she and the co-parent are not on the same page. No matter where you are on your journey as a co-parent she can help you. You can find her at:
Nicole and I agree that it is our personal growth that is most important to the relationship we experience, and what our children experience. However, in her case, the relationship dynamic that was created did involve physical abuse. Divorce is just a way to hold a limit to protect your boundary and always the very last limit to hold. In cases of abuse, women can get to that limit much faster. If you can’t safely walk away from the behavior in the home and do your personal work to see how you’re co-creating the dynamic, then you may have to use divorce in order to keep yourself safe.
“I didn’t know how to fight. So I would push him. The one thing I learned from that marriage is don’t nag anybody, right? I didn’t know that, I was young. So I would just push and push and push until I got what I wanted, or something I didn’t. It doesn’t mean he’s not responsible for his actions, but that’s how I showed up. And that wasn’t ok.”
I believe that it’s incredibly important for us to step into our worth and move away from behavior that doesn’t respect us every single time, that we show others how to love us.
“A lot of us get into a winning mentality — I have to win. A lot of us get into a protective, which I would say is more the moms. I don’t think a mom is saying I have to win. And I will say nobody ever wins. There’s nothing about winning. The only people that really make out is the divorce lawyers. Everybody loses in divorce, something. But also when it’s a bad enough situation you gain something if it’s not right.”
It turns out that we all agree that the family court system is not here to protect you or your children. It’s a system full of people who are numb to the human experience. “One lawyer said to me, ‘It’s like Groundhog Day.'” Nicole helps her clients become the CEO of their divorce.
“There are so many wonderful things that can come from setting a boundary. I do have to say, I don’t support getting divorced unless there is some sort of abuse.”
Divorce is just a boundary and not some portal to happiness. Just because you leave him doesn’t mean you’re going to instantly be happy. That stuff just follows you. But if you’re in a situation where no matter what you do, your worth cannot be honored, then you do have to move away from it. Sometimes that separation can be temporary because maybe that is painful enough that it changes.
Nicole and I share a love of reading and research to develop our expertise. Read a book, people!
“It’s also because I stuck my head in a library. And I have continually for the last decade read, researched, assessed. That’s what makes somebody an expert.”
I loved this conversation with Nicole about personal growth, protecting our children, and navigating divorce. I think you’ll enjoy it too!
If you’d like to learn more about Conscious Marriage, click here. And visit Nicole if you’re in a physically abusive or severely codependent relationship and you need some guidance and loving support.
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