Does it seem like your husband’s negativity sucks you down from your happy place and is inescapable?
In the third episode of The Authentic Wife Show, I talk about what to do if you struggle with your husband’s negativity if you feel like it’s draining you.
“It always seemed like he was the common denominator there, that it was a him problem, and if I just get rid of him then I won’t have that problem anymore, I can just stay in a place of happiness.”
Do you have a husband that comes in with fear about protection (safety), procreation (sex if you already have kids), and providing (money)? As moms, we work to reduce risk, and men want to protect what’s already theirs.
When they come in and go to fear and you live in this place of abundance but they are completely not in this place… they don’t want to go on vacation, spend money on schooling, and it seems like a total mismatch. And some people will tell you it’s always going to be a mismatch or you should find someone who’s more evolved.
That’s not true. You don’t have to leave him to not be sucked out of the air.
In month three of my program Happily Ever After, we talk about energetic coherence, or your ability to move into a healthy energetic place, where your body is in a state of coherence, meaning your brain, heart, and respiratory system are all in sync. You can measure this by looking at your HRV or Heart Rate Variability. That number will get higher the better you get at getting into coherence.
We’re told that sleep and rest have to be earned.
“A good mother is always exhausted,” is the message we’re given when we’re younger.
We have no boundaries. My kids want to call boundaries our room. Everything inside your room is yours, and you are separate from others physically because you’re in a body. You are on your own journey. So everything in your own room is part of your boundary:
And we have to protect that from others. You have to take care of what’s in your room FIRST.
Our energy is the same way. How do we build up to an overflow of our energy? We do it through self-care. The most basic level of this is sleep. Mothers with young children are waiting to snap because they can’t even meet this very basic self-care need. It’s a very hard phase of life.
Another way we do it is by turning off our thoughts through meditation, giving our brain a chance to chill. Every thought takes up energy. As an enneagram 5, I use my brain a lot. I need time to just sit and think about nothing.
You’ll also do things you love. For me it’s learning, classes, and reading. For my husband, it’s golf and riding his motorcycles.
You want to be abundantly overflowing with everything in your room. So mothers are struggling. Especially when we have infants who want to be held all the time and are breastfeeding. It’s a lot. I’m the one who everybody goes to for touch, so I’m touched out sometimes. I have to do that self-care so I’ve got an overflow and am ready to share that with others.
You are in control of the energy in your room.
You get to hold that boundary over it. We have to hold an energetic boundary where we know clearly where another begins. We have to know what is theirs and what is ours.
I was taking on his energy as my own. If he comes in with fear, I would match his fear. When we’re little, we become hyper-aware of our parents’ moods so we could get our needs met. We were enmeshed. That’s where being an empath comes from. It’s being super sensitive and aware of other people’s energies. We can sense it before they walk into the room.
When my husband would come in with fear about anything, all of a sudden the dragging down was me taking on his energy as my own, matching his fear with a fear of my own.
When our bodies move into fear, then we find a story to match this fear. And most of the time the story is that this is never going to work, I’m going to have to divorce him.
It’s not him dragging me down, it’s me not knowing where I end and he begins. It’s me not knowing that I am safe now. It’s safe for me not to match his fear. It’s safe for me not to be reactive to where he is. It’s also safe for me to allow him to feel whatever he is feeling and to not feel any need to correct it, fix it, solve it, or prevent him from feeling it.
We come in as a fixer and we want that pain gone as fast as we can because we don’t want to be triggered. So we scramble to pick up the room or fix dinner because we think we are unsafe.
What I ask my clients to do, and it’s a journey, this is why I work with them for six months, is to start becoming aware of where they end and where the other person begins.
Not only intellectually but energetically as well.
To learn more about having a conscious marriage, click here.
To see how your energy is shifting in your relationship now, take the Quantum Love Quiz.
You can also download The Princess & The Peeve emotion assessment to begin to learn how your emotions are your feedback loop and what you’re being asked to do differently right now.
To learn more about boundaries, click here to take my course Getting The Love You Deserve.
- How to Live Happily Ever After - June 5, 2023
- 45: Why Creating Marriage Health is Good Parenting - May 28, 2023
- 40: What Men In Failing Marriages Need To Know - March 19, 2023