Recently I was invited to speak at a summit on reviving marriage called Falling In Love Again. In our interview, I share the six steps to saving your marriage from divorce, based on my own journey doing the same and in collaboration with relationship expert, Dr. Laura Berman, with fellow coach Kiri Honey.
This marriage as it is does need to end, but you have the power to create exactly what you want with him. Here’s how!
Listen in here (it’s 30 minutes):
Interview with Kiri Honey for her Falling In Love Again event.
It was a fantastic talk (sorry for the giggles, sometimes I think I’m too freaking happy, so embarrassing!). One of my favorite things I shared was at the end, about why it’s important TO keep your family together and do the work so you’re able to one day love your husband again:
I know that a lot of women feel unmotivated to save the marriage on your own, so we talked about how you can be happy in it. Another thing I do feel is important is our kids are part us, as moms, and part our husbands. They have a little bit of both of us in them, in their traits. And I don’t know, I think usually one will have more than the other, my daughter is more like my husband and my son is more like me. But if anything could encourage you to just stick in this, not for your kids necessarily. To stay in the marriage is so key for them to know that who they are is lovable and acceptable and worthy of being loved and safe with you. And I think that if, in most cases when divorce isn’t a necessary thing for some safety reason, showing them that you love their dad and accept who he is and care about him and that he’s part of the family is really important for their self-worth, self-esteem, and their own self-love. I think it’s a really important thing that we don’t really talk about… how much it means to a child to know that both parents are lovable.
And to expand on this… when we’re able to accept our husband as he is, what we’re actually doing is accepting OURSELVES as WE ARE. It’s actually self-love that I’m talking about here. When we reject the parts of him we don’t like, which are actually mirrors of the parts of ourselves that we don’t like, we’re showing our kids that part of who they are is unacceptable, unlovable, and must be changed.
How do I know this?
Well, I’m a lot like my dad. And a huge part of my experience after the divorce was learning that these parts of me were unacceptable to my mother. It was my dad who filed for divorce but it was my mom who was bitter so I heard the most about his traits. Things like being more boundaried/rigid, being logical, being a planner, being more empathetic and emotional. And then of course I knew that the ways my mom was were unacceptable to him, so I battled those traits too.
As parents, we’re always showing our kids what’s ok and what’s not ok. When what we really need to show them is a consistent message that they are lovable and worthy, just as they are.
And YOU are too.
The 6 Steps to Saving Your Marriage From Divorce:
Learn the Quantum Love Journey and use it every day when you’re triggered/upset by him.
Step 1: Explore Your Triggers
The first step in The Quantum Love Journey is to explore your triggers, or the times you have an emotional reaction to something that is beyond the actual stimulus. So the fights with your husband, feeling sad after a conversation, being afraid your marriage is ready to end after your spouse’s bad behavior… These are all points in time where we are triggered to react.
That reaction is our cue that something deeper is at play. There is some part of us that wants to be witnessed or healed.
Step 2: Heal
Identifying the patterns, understanding the unconscious behavior that caused the pain, reparenting your inner child — all of these MENTAL healing steps are needed but healing must also happen at an ENERGETIC level as well.
When all of the old emotions and traumas are gone, you are guided by your free-flowing emotions in the present moment and can stay in home frequency (an energizing emotional space) around others.
Step 3: Energetic Coherence
When you’re stressed, your brain is in high beta brainwaves. You can change these to more soothing alpha or delta brainwaves through meditation, which helps you get out of the primal part of your brain that reacts so you can choose a response instead.
Likewise, your heart moves into erratic heart rhythms under stress which depletes your energy AND causes your loved ones to match the erratic energy of your body.
Energetic coherence is a smooth, steady rhythm needed for optimal function.
Step 4: Intention Setting
Everything that happens in your life is created by an intention, even if you don’t choose it. It’s often our subconscious intentions running the show and we don’t even realize it. You see, intentions shape your actions, words, thoughts, energy, and behavior. If you have an intention to enjoy your dinner no matter what, you will!
If you have a subconscious intention that your marriage end, it will as well.
Choosing intentions moment by moment helps you take back your power as the creator of your life rather than being lived by it. You don’t have to know what the future holds, but you can have the intention right now to speak your truth, for example.
Step 5: Connection & Empathy
Connection may seem to be the last thing you want right now, but its absence is preventing you from being heard the way you deserve.
When I realized that my fear of being open to connection was really the fear of being even further depleted emotionally, I was able to dive deeper into my self-care practices to have enough energy to even bring to the table. Then I realized that connection could actually be energizing in itself if I wasn’t in a state of resistance while attempting it.
It may surprise you, but the FBI actually uses connection and empathy in hostage negotiations to resolve them without anyone getting hurt. If nothing else, pretend you’re a hostage negotiator!
Step 6: Communication
While communication is often the first thing we want to tackle, just saying the right words is far less important than being fully present in the conversation, which we can’t do until we’ve visited the first five steps.
The most important thing I had to change was a shift from masculine energy-based demanding, criticizing, requesting, shaming, and passive-aggressive jabs to feminine energy-based observations and vulnerable shares about my true thoughts and feelings. I had to go from masculine analyzing and logic to feminine empathizing and being receptive to love.
CLICK HERE to fill out a coaching application so we can see if we’re a good fit for you to go through my Happily Ever After Marriage Coaching Program!
Or, download 30 Ways to Ask for Help Without Starting a Fight, another resource I mentioned in the interview!