Lots of moms wonder how to find a balance that works for both partners in their sex life after having children.
In episode nine of The Authentic Wife Show, I talk about what to do if your husband or wife is on a different page from you when it comes to sexual intimacy quality or frequency.
If someone in your marriage wants it more than the other person, maybe the other person feels very busy with whatever they’re doing.
Having sex was one of the last things on my mind, and I was just annoyed by it and didn’t want to do it.
Don’t say an inauthentic yes to sex
You should never do it when depleting emotions are present around it. If you feel angry, resentful, hatred, disgust, etc.… it’s not the time for sex.
Sex done well is an exchange of energy, and no one wants to or should sign up to exchange energy when what’s flowing in their body is a depleting emotion. They should instead use that emotion as guidance and take action to be more authentic first so they can have the sacred spiritual connection that happens during good sex.
My theory is that if we’re not feeling like we can raise our current children well at the moment, we won’t be in the mood for sex even if having more children isn’t a possibility… at a deeper level, we shut down to it. It’s like our body’s like, “Woah lady you’re drowning! Now is NOT the time!”
If we don’t feel like we can raise the babies we have now, if we’re fighting over having enough resources (time, energy, money), then we’re not going to desire sex because the risk of having more is probably still there.
So listen to those emotions. You have to get clear on what your soul is asking you to do to make sure you have a better partnership and stop taking on everything alone. You can’t just bypass the work and go on the breath and try to find a positive spin or abundance you don’t have.
In Happily Ever After, my marriage coaching program, we spend six months on turning the relationship around, and part of that is bringing the partnership into balance, being able to ask for help in a way that you actually get it. And just feeling more empowered about the way things are going with your family and you don’t feel like you’re drowning anymore.
Men and women have different needs
We have different needs. Yes, you can argue that they can do some work on that, and they don’t need it as much, but let’s just assume that men need it differently than women do.
To them, it’s the way they feel the energy of your love… remember they aren’t empaths as often as we are, they aren’t picking up on your energy, but touch can bring them right into connection with it. They’re not as intune to sensing what we’re experiencing or feeling what we’re feeling.
They really want to feel that energy, feel that love in their bodies.
Just like our voice is a conduit for our energy, touch is also a conduit for our energy. It’s bringing them right into connection with the energy of your love. I know sometimes they say vulgar things and that they just want the sensation from it, but I don’t think that’s always true. They don’t release oxytocin until after orgasm (we get it before) so they feel a loving connection and bond to us after we have sex.
You know you could just stand somewhere and shout something, but if somebody calls you and you establish a connection on the phone, then they hear what you’re saying. So it’s kind of like that in my mind, that they’re really picking up on the love that you feel, but they have to establish the connection first. They have to plug in!
There’s nothing wrong with a quickie when you’re just kind of feeling neutral about it… remember that to men, it feels like a pretty real need, and when we agree to be monogamous, we do have some level of responsibility to allow them to meet that need with us.
Be aware that if you’re saying no for months or years at a time, they may start finding alternatives just like you would if it seemed hopeless that you were ever going to have the kind of connection you crave with your partner. I’m not excusing it, but we do need to be aware of our role, and ideally, the man is courageous enough to have an honest discussion with you before cowardly willing the marriage to end with infidelity, so he doesn’t have to be the one to break it up. Note that sex addiction is a different can of worms and that behavior is not co-created.
So if you’re not feeling any depleting emotions about it, but you’re totally interested in it or desiring it, this may be your option. Most of the time, we are not making time for connection to ourselves anyway, and that’s why we feel like we don’t have time for it. If you don’t sit down and really connect to your higher self and take time for things like meditation and self-care and you’re always doing and busy, then to you, it could feel like a waste of time, like its not productive.
You’re resisting connecting to yourself, being present and in your body
But it is so productive for the health of your relationship, just because that’s what I’ve experienced, that’s what my clients have experienced. It’s worthwhile time to show both of you that connection to your higher selves, through sex, is important. We tend to put that being instead of doing energy off to the side because it doesn’t feel like a good use of our time.
Sometimes it feels like a task we have to do, and we want the bliss from all the dopamine and the doing, and don’t want to just be present with ourselves, back in our bodies. We know it’s good for us, but we pretend that it isn’t.
Sex is an energetic exchange first and foremost
What you see in the videos or on tv is such a poor, awful, horrible representation of what sex is. And if your man watches a lot of those videos, he probably has no idea how to have a sacred sexual experience with you. And that’s really sad. Those videos are not real life.
You don’t have to do or be anything different to have an enjoyable time. You don’t have to dress a certain way and do all kinds of crazy things. if that’s who you are, fine, but it’s not necessary. The mind-blowing orgasm doesn’t happen from the external things. It happens from the energetic connection you both have to your higher self or your soul or your spirit or god during that interaction.
If you’re going into it with the intention to make him happy or feel wanted, you need to explore those inner child needs first… you can’t come to the bed with that kind of baggage and experience sex the way it’s meant to be experienced. It will never fill you up.
Your intention should be for him to feel your love and for you to receive his. It’s like an energetic loop going between you.
Mindblowing orgasms are not what you see on the videos
You’re looking to have a connection with your higher self or soul during the experience, it is so much more than what our society has sadly made it out to be.
Imagine that each of you is in your “room,” what I call your boundary. The connection isn’t from your room to his room. The connection is like this light that goes up from your room to the Source. So your connection happens when you both shine that light on that Source energy, up above you, in this one central place where we’re all connected energetically, but in this form (humans), we’re separated physically into our own rooms and personalities.
When you both enter each other’s rooms (because you can’t be boundaried to completely share your body), you sort of overlay them together and you focus those two beams of light. You generate energy through your movements, actions, and intentions, and suddenly your physical bodies join the intensity of that laser beam of light that is connected to Source energy. This is why the orgasm is so explosive and otherworldly when you are having sacred sex rather than boring, friction-based, pornesque sex.
If you really pay attention to where your energy goes, you’re also more engorged and sensitive during that experience as well, which only stands to intensify it even more.
Begin the encounter by choosing your conscious intention before the experience. If you have an unconscious intention, you have to explore those childhood wounds and unmet needs first.
And if you’re in your head the whole time and not in your body at all, energetic exercises help you get back into your body, and it is much more enjoyable that way.
Do the inner child work first to figure out what kind of emotional baggage you’re coming with.
When you’re feeling those depleting emotions, you need to explore those triggers and figure out where it’s coming from.
Stop abandoning yourself; pay attention to what your soul wants. If you aren’t listening to it, then you’re doing things over and over again from an inauthentic place, which builds up that resentment that comes from you abandoning yourself.
My clients do this work in their fifth month with me in the Happily Ever After marriage coaching program. It takes time to do the healing and be vulnerable.
You can have any kind of experience with the man you already have. You just have to change your intention for it. You don’t have to look outside your marriage to get what you want. You just need to create it.
If you are being abused, you have to correct the boundary violations first and heal from that damage. Please contact the hotline or call 800.799.SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788.
If you feel like you’re doing everything alone in your marriage, is it possible that one or both of you has ADHD? To discover how your spouse having ADHD can affect your marriage and what you can do about it, please read this. If you’re struggling to get your husband to help around the house and feeling underwater, ADHD is probably a great thing to look at seriously.
You can also download my 30 Texts to End His Resistance and Get More Help to learn how to start getting more help day-to-day.
This way of asking for help appeals directly to this smart, problem-solving brain and inspires more support than making a specific request.