How Husbands Sabotage Sexual Intimacy With Unwanted Touching

Connection and Empathy
September 22, 2021

The Authentic Wife and Mom

Beth Rowles | The Conscious Marriage Coach

She’s standing at the sink, and a curve just hits you. Before you know it, you’re grabbing her bottom or her breasts and ready to pull her in for a kiss. Harmless, right?

Wrong. Now before we go any further, I want you to know that YOU are not bad for wanting to touch or grab your wife this way — there’s a very good chance that she, like me, and millions of women all over the world, has allowed you to do this before and maybe even acted as though she liked it at first. Women grow up being trained to be good girls and with the ingrained message that “love” equals being wanted sexually by a man (convenient message for all the men of the world, considering sex is like oxygen to them). We grow up without boundaries, as you probably did too… we’re spanked, have zero privacy, are shamed or laughed at. Childhood has been horribly inappropriate for the vast majority.

Husbands Don’t Realize Grabbing Their Wives is a Violation of Their Boundaries

A boundary is where she ends and you begin. That’s it. A boundary is her body, thoughts, emotions, opinions, time, money, etc. She is a whole being as much as you are. And she is learning how to respect herself and hold limits so that people can’t violate her boundaries — that is, that they can’t use her as though she is not a sovereign being, someone who has power over her own self.

Want to learn more about healthy boundaries and how to use them? Take my masterclass on boundaries, Getting The Love You Deserve:

Getting The Love You Deserve is a Masterclass on Boundaries

Every time a husband continues to grab or touch a woman it will actually make her angry, because anger is the emotion that alerts us to a boundary violation. So instead of doing what you want, which is helping her feel appreciated or ready to have sexy times with you, you’re making her hate you. Continued boundary violations lead to resentment and later to hate. And again – please don’t feel bad or wrong for doing this because it is OUR responsibility to show you the FIRST time what behavior isn’t acceptable to us. But that good girl mentality has gaslit our minds and so we fake a giggle at first, not wanting to hurt your feelings.

If your wife is holding her boundaries now, it means she loves and respects herself. That’s a win for you! You want a woman who can be happy independently of you or whatever’s going on in your lives, so she can be the rock in your family. Remember that she’s showing you how to love her and that’s a really beautiful thing. If she skips these steps and goes straight to divorce, you’ll never get a chance.

Instead of getting you closer to sex, every grab gets you MUCH further away from it. It’s hard for men to understand this because you’d probably love to be touched, so let’s put it a way you might understand… Let’s say that every time a girl walks up to you, she grabs your wallet and takes $100. Every. Single. Time. She doesn’t ask you first and thinks you should feel so flattered that she loves you and your money so much. It’s just so damn attractive! And she hopes that by grabbing that $100, you’ll now take her to the bank and empty your account and give it to her.

How does that feel?

Not cool, huh? Well, now you know what it’s like to feel like a woman who’s constantly grabbed by her husband.

(Side note: if you DO feel like she’s doing the same thing to you with money, then you need to have clearer agreements on the division of responsibilities and hold your own boundaries.)

Women Need to Be Aroused Intellectually First

Someone asked best-selling author Hank Green why humans don’t have beautiful colors, similar to birds, recently. He made a great point about how intelligence was selected over colors through sexual selection in evolution. Because we’re intelligent now, our ancestors who had the best chance at mating were also intelligent. So rather than have gorgeous, colorful displays of feathers like peacocks, for example, we have gorgeous minds.

We can turn women (or men) on with our intellect. We find mates through what we have to say more than what we have to wear. Sure, there are some surface attraction things there still at play, but it’s true that most women are looking for men who can turn them on mentally.

Think of attraction like going to a new restaurant. When you walk up, you’ll decide if you like the exterior or not. You’ll assess the paint, decor, and landscaping. If you like it, you’ll go in and observe everything about the place, including the menu. But the taste of the food, man… that’s what keeps you coming back for more. How that whole experience made you feel is what keeps the restaurant in business. Your wife needs to know that you’re there for the whole experience and not just what the exterior of the building looks like. So you need to arouse her from the inside out. Sorry, that’s just the way we work.

While you can arouse someone through physical touch, that is never the first step. Save that until she leads you to the bedroom.

Here’s What to Do Instead of Grabbing Her

Here are 3 ways to show your love and inspire her to join you in the bedroom instead of unwanting touching:

#1 – Verbally affirm the physical aspect you’re admiring

Love it? Want to grab it? Stop! Tell her what you find attractive. This goes for women too, of course. Tell him what you find physically attractive every day if you can in a respectful way. It can be as simple as, “Damn you look beautiful today! That dress is so flattering!”


#2 – Tell her what you think of something she’s done lately

All of us just want to be seen. Take note of something she’s worked hard on, the kind of day she’s had, something she’s accomplished, or a way she’s feeling. Just observe and let her know you see her. “Wow, you really put a lot of time into dinner tonight, while taking care of the kids too.” Just be accurate in what you observe, and try not to judge whatever it is as good or bad.


#3 – Show her that she’s worthy

How do you show someone they’re worthy? Imagine you’re watching the queen — what do the people around her do? They open doors, get things for her, pull out her chair, protect her from the rain, drive up to her so she doesn’t have to walk, make the meal, carry the groceries, etc. When was the last time you showed your wife that she is a worthy human being deserving of great care? The bonus of doing these little things for her whenever you can is that she WILL reciprocate. Take a little time to show her that she’s important to you and you really care about her — all of her.


Great Sex Starts With Great Respect

I hope these tips help you see your wife in a different light and that you can take a breath, pause, and save the physical appreciation for her body for when she’s jumping on you in bed. Great sex starts with great respect, and the more she feels safe with you and trusts you, the better sex life you’ll have. 


Ready to learn more about saving your marriage? Click here to sign up for my Happily Ever After Marriage Coaching Program.

Beth Rowles
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I'm Beth Rowles, Hi!

I help driven moms use the conflict in their marriage as a feedback loop to grow in self-awareness so they can create the marriage they, and their kids, deserve without leaving the one they're in or waiting for their husband to evolve.

I'm the author of The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage and host of The Authentic Wife Show podcast & YouTube channel.


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