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The Authentic Wife and Mom

32: What To Do When You Resent Your Husband

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Here’s what to do when you resent your husband!

In episode 32 of The Authentic Wife Show, I teach you exactly why you feel resentment toward your husband, what you can do about it, and how you can prevent it from happening again.

 

 

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Podcast Transcription:

This is the largely unedited auto-transcription of this podcast:

Welcome back to the show. Welcome to the new [00:01:00] year 2023. Um, what’s interesting was I saw a video on TikTok right before the new year, and this man made a really good point about how January and February we’re actually added to the calendar at some point in time before, um, the year started. In March. , like when we celebrate March now, year started in spring, which makes sense because winter where we are right now is this beautiful period of death.

And rest all of nature, not all of it. Most of it goes to sleep, lays dormant or it dies. And then in spring the new life emerges, births happen. Um, so it makes more sense to think about birthing something new. We’re setting like New Year’s intentions and goals and, and having that creative impulse to bring something new into form, it makes more sense to [00:02:00] do it in the spring , because that’s the energy around us right now is the time to go inward and go inside and rest.

 

@kingstony3.0 Food For Thought 🍎 *Educational Purposes Only* #KingStony #ConspiracyTheory #WokeTok #MentalHealth #ShadowWork #SpiritualAwareness #Manifestation #Vibration #kundaliniawakening ♬ original sound – The Alkaline Alchemist

So if you’re feeling a little funky in the new year, like you aren’t as ambitious as, as all the people in their New Year’s resolutions. I want you to kind of think about that concept and think about maybe this is a good time to go inward. Maybe this is a good time to rest. Maybe while you are kind of hibernating, you are going to birth something.

I’m getting ready to write my book on boundaries. Finally, uh, like actually. Type it out after all the preparation and um, and that’s fine too, but perhaps something new and that intense energy of birth is gonna happen for you in the spring. So as the total tangent from what I wanted to talk about, but since we are kicking off the new year on the Authentic Wife Show, I thought I would mention it.

It was fascinating and [00:03:00] it was also a good reminder. To always have an open mind and to not be attached to the way you think things are or the way they should be. This man I saw, I don’t have his name in front of me who, who did that video? Like he had this knowledge that I did not have, and you had to remember that there is so much to learn and we just.

Can’t possibly learn it all. So the only thing we can really do as we navigate our lives is keep an open mind and know that we don’t know. And the easiest way to get to the truth is by allowing all these perspectives and experiences and stories and records and data to come to our awareness. and to take them in and begin to see where the truth lies.

Um, because there’s just no way. Remember, there’s just no way. Even when I tell you, when I come to you every week, there’s no way I can tell [00:04:00] you the whole truth. You have to gather as much information as you can. I feel I’m really good at that, honestly, cuz I do try to get as much information as I possibly can and give you the best of what I know.

But sometimes I learn something new and then I know even. So you’re gonna have to follow me for the rest of my life so that we continue to share the latest and greatest information. So I recently did a video on TikTok, and if you’re not following me there, I’d love to see you over there. Um, it’s at family being.

And I did a video on resentment and, um, I don’t know why I didn’t do this before, because if you read my book, the Authentic Wife, a good chunk of it is about resentment. So let’s talk about what resentment is, why it arises, what we’re meant to do with it. . Um, if you’re feeling it right now, let’s give you some answers.

So one of the things that I wanted to do first is go to one of my favorite authors, mentors, one of the people [00:05:00] that I kept an open mind with and learned a lot from. Her name’s Karla McLaren and she has studied emotions and she’s, I get almost all of my information on emotions from her because she, you can just tell that like she’s really studied these things and what the message is in them.

So on her website, karlamclaren.com, she has an article on hatred and shadow. She starts off when we get down to the resentment part by quoting counselor and author John Bradshaw. And she said that he said “Resentment is the strongest attachment.” Um, “it’s stronger than love and stronger than blood.” Isn’t that interesting?

Um, She says, “When resentment, hatred, and contempt are present, it’s a be a bizarre dance of glee and obsession. There’s distinct relish in hatred and an utter craving for engagement and [00:06:00] enmeshment that I couldn’t grasp until I understood the fierce attachments beneath resentment. And hatred.” So she puts resentment in the, the anger category, which makes total sense.

Um, because anger is, when it’s free flowing fresh emotion, it’s alerting us to a boundary violation. And it’s when we have ignored that anger over and over and over again, we begin to utterly hate the people around us because it feels like they are. Destroying us. They’re using us, taking advantage of us, when really it’s us having a poor relationship with anger, actually repressing anger and not using it that causes the problem.

We have failed to hold the boundaries we need to hold. Uh, she says, when we express hatred, we fool ourselves into thinking that we’re [00:07:00] totally separate from our hate targets, that we’re nothing like them, that we’re stronger, truer, better, and more righteous. If this were the case, though, we’d have appropriate boundaries and the ability to treat people with respect, but we don’t.

She says, resentment, hatred and contempt don’t arise when we feel strong and whole. Nope. They arise when our self-image instability is ravaged by intense trouble within us, and they bring with them the most con, concentrated anger possible. If we can channel hatred instead of expressing it. Remember channels to allow the energy to flow through your body.

Expressing it is like if you were to punch a wall or cry or laugh. That’s the expression of the energy that you feel. With that emotion. If we channel it instead of expressing it, we can instantaneously reconstruct our boundaries, focus ourselves intently, and perform amazing feats of shadow retrieval.[00:08:00]

And evolution. Oh, so basically what’s happening here is the resentment is your opportunity to go inside and say, What in the heck is preventing me from using the anger that I was meant to use all along? Why am I in this situation where I have no boundaries? Why am I giving beyond what I have to everybody else?

And the, the very first inclination, and I saw somebody do it in the comments and I would’ve done it too. Um, miss Togo, but I asked for help. I did ask for help and he didn’t deliver. He being your husband, I asked him to do the thing and he didn’t do it. The short answer to that is that [00:09:00] it’s great that you asked, but when you.

Years of a pattern that’s already been established of enmeshment, of doing everything, of controlling everything, of finding our worth from doing everything. It doesn’t necessarily translate to, you can just ask him and he’ll do it. There are different ways to get that help. There are ways to communicate what we really need and to receive help actually open up to receiving it.

And people like me, when we don’t have those boundaries, we are not receptive to help because that would mean that we have failed. And our job, we think is to be all things for all people. We think that our worth comes from making life better, more comfortable, easier for other people. We don’t think about how everybody has a right to their [00:10:00] own experience.

They actually have a right to their discomfort because in our discomfort as humans is our growth path. If we lean into the discomfort, just like when we feel this resentment, the growth is on the other side. , and I may have said this before, but it’s actually kind of kind of cruel to not have these boundaries and to not let people have their own experience because we are robbing them of the growth or the awakening that they were meant to have in this life experience.

When we make life comfortable for everybody and make it so that they just kind of floated along, we take away their meaning and their purpose. If it wasn’t for us hitting that wall of resentment, then we would just continue to, uh, be completely [00:11:00] empty. So if we think about our boundary as our, you know, this room around everything that we are, this wall between us and everybody else, our thoughts, our emotions, our time, our energy, our money, everything resides within this wall, right within this room.

Our bodies, when we have no boundaries, we basically tell the world we don’t exist. , right? Because if, if we don’t have that protection around who we are, then we’re saying that this energy is just here for the taking. It’s just all yours. I, I am nobody. I have no needs, I’m nothing. I exist solely for you to use my energy to feel better to, for you to use my energy because you don’t have any, for you to use my energy.

Or my resources, um, to live. [00:12:00] Uh, and I am nobody. We don’t realize that we have needs. This is why we tend to, especially today. Talk about the narcissist because for somebody who has no boundaries, a super unhealthy end of the spectrum in empath world, um, it seems like this person that does have a sense of self, that does have a sense of where they end and where others begin a sense of their needs, a sense of their worth.

It’s so confronting to us that it feels like they are horrible. People like, oh my God, how can you do that? How can you take, how can you be this way? It seems abrasive to us because we just don’t know what that means to exist. We’re being confronted with our [00:13:00] shadow. We are being confronted with what we should be, what we.

Deserve to be seeing somebody who knows their worth. When you don’t know. Yours is very uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel nice. It feels like everybody should just exist without boundaries, because then when everybody be so nice and want everybody be taken care.

I don’t think that can happen. We come here in human form. We are literally energy that has been contained in a body. The purpose, in my opinion, not God of this existence, is that we understand how to evolve. Separately, the body is here for us to have the [00:14:00] experiences that we need to have to heal, evolve our soul, and to give our own unique gifts to the world.

It’s like the, you know, I think Gary Zukav talked about it as like we, we are the ocean. When we are outside of our bodies, we are all this energy from the same source. But when we come into our personality, our body, our soul, it’s like a cup is dipped into the ocean and then we are put here on earth to have some kind of unique experience.

There’s something to this human experience that is important to. So it’s kind of weird because technically inside we are just energy. Technically we are connected. Technically we are all one, and we can think about oneness consciousness and we can know that there’s technically no difference. But our cup, [00:15:00] our soul, has something that it came here to learn.

And so we each have to go through the contrast of life to see what it is that we are meant to learn. So the abrasion. Of the narcissist in air quotes is because we’re being confronted with our own. Lack of a sense of self, our own denial that we are something that we are worthy because our true authentic selves know their worth.

They know that they are divine and deserve the very best things. And deserve help and deserve to be, uh, treated like royalty, like a queen. To have the most luxurious belongings, to have all the abundance in the world. It’s no, you are no more worthy of it than I am. We all are have a right to [00:16:00] all that abundance and.

it’s all available to all of us. Just some of us have chosen to, to live in this experience for, um, for a while where we deny it and we say, no, I’m not worthy of that. and the person who seems like the narcissist knows that they’re worthy. One of the things in my personal growth journey was learning how to receive help.

And one of the first ways I did it, um, there’s a beautiful mentor of mine named Susie Luba, and I haven’t talked to her in a while, but she’s a wonderful spiritual kind of counselor and coach, and she was sending me, what was it? I feel like, um, I kind of feel like I ordered something from her. It was either her book or her jewelry or something, and it ended up coming to me.

and like for some reason the payment didn’t go through or something and she said, I want to just give it to you, whatever it [00:17:00] was, she was basically giving me something and old me was like, no, no, no, no, no. Like I grew up watching. My mom always refused money for meals, always refused any kind of help. I got the message from her and from church and everywhere else that a good person refuses.

You don’t need it, you refuse it. Um, and so I remember saying, look, Susie, I’m trying to work on receiving, so I’m going to graciously receive this and thank you. , then I had to learn that it was up to each of us to have our own boundary, to protect our own boundary. We, our boundary exists either way, but to protect our boundaries and to only give what we are able to give.

So since then, I’ve become a very good receiver, and when people offer me something, I very graciously take it. And I don’t feel bad about it. I especially don’t feel like it used to. [00:18:00] He used to feel like I have got to reciprocate, I have got to do something back for them. That I can’t just take this. Like I just can’t.

That’s how I used to be. And so now it’s almost a little bit uncomfortable to receive at times, but for a different reason. And that is, do I think that this person who’s giving me the thing has good? Do I think that they were able to give this to me or has this created a burden for them to do this? And now I know inside that it’s not my responsibility to do that protection for them, it’s their.

Responsibility to undo any conditioning that says that they have to be a nice person and they have to give. And um, you know, they’re just the, um, like not putting on airs, what’s the word? Or the phrase, like going through the motions, sort of doing what they’re supposed to do. I, I, [00:19:00] it’s uncomfortable, but I’ve had to learn, like that’s literally not my problem.

If they don’t have good boundaries, that is on them. And if they are offering me something, I can be open to receiving. Because if I’m not open to receiving, then I’m not gonna receive anything. I’m not gonna receive the help I need from the universe. I’m not gonna receive help from my husband. I’m just not gonna receive.

So I live in a place now where I’m open to receiving and I know that there’s potential that sometime somebody could give me something that they actually. We’re not in a very good alignment in their own, um, selves to give that. But I have to remember that their boundaries are their responsibility. And just like I learned how to have boundaries, they also have to learn how to have boundaries.

So being open to receiving is a huge, huge part of this work. But way before that, you have [00:20:00] to reestablish a relationship with anger. . We get so many messages about how anger is a bad thing. Anger is for awful people, angry people are scary. Whatever messages you got about anger and whatever you feel about allowing it in yourself, you have got to let go of.

Because anger is just another one of those emotions, and it’s a powerful one because it is protecting you. It is keeping you safe. It’s the message from your soul that says you need to do something right now to protect yourself. You, um, Going to be depleted if this continues. You as a beautiful soul are not being honored.

Whoever’s around you right now has no reverence [00:21:00] for what and who you are. When we understand that, that’s all the anger is, then it’s just a messenger. It’s actually a guard. This is why I call it in my program a royal. My daughter got a laminator for Christmas because she wants to be a teacher and she started laminating all the things.

Um, and I was like, that is so cool. . I’m gonna get a laminator too. And I’ve got this, um, I have a class on emotions called royally guarded, and I made, uh, these sort of icons for each emotion. If you’re watching the YouTube, you can see these, um, and these little pictures of these dudes, these are your royal guards and.

Image below them. Their body actually shows where that emotion is felt in your body. So this is a one for anger. You can see that all the energy goes up around his head and down into his arms and in his hands, like fists [00:22:00] and anger asks What must be protected? What must be restored? So anger is just here to serve you.

It’s here to guard. You are, and always were a good person. Even when you’re angry. Anger is just a messenger. The problem is when we don’t know what anger is trying to tell us and we just express it instead, um, when it’s needed. Anger allows us to defend ourselves from somebody who’s trying to violate our boundaries and.

I feel like I talked about this before. I know I talked about my Facebook, Facebook group, soul Stages recently. We hold a boundary in different degrees, and the very last way you hold it is through self-defense. So anger, uh, energizes us and gives us the ability to at least attempt to fight off [00:23:00] somebody who is trying to hurt us.

So that’s why it can be such an intense emotion and why it’s so very important for you to learn how to channel it so that the very first way to hold a boundary is just to say, whew, I recognize it’s anger. I’m inviting it to flow, and it is flowing out into my boundary and strengthening the walls of my boundary.

Um, that does not hurt the other person in any way, but they can feel it. They can feel that something has changed and not mess with you. But if you don’t know that, if you don’t know to allow it, then it gets repressed in your body, and this is what’s happening with resentment. Every time it came up, you shoved it down.

every time, maybe towards the end you start slamming doors or you start yelling, you start expressing the anger. But even that doesn’t necessarily guarantee that gets all out of your body because you [00:24:00] have missed its message. You, you have failed to, uh, understand what the Royal Guard was trying to tell you so it can still get repressed and stuck in your body.

So when this happens over and over, and over and over and over again, your body. Full of all this anger and it turns into resentment and it says, I hate them , like I said in my video, like you could visualize, like punting them off the face of the earth. Like you just literally hate your husband that much.

That you, you just, you don’t necessarily care if you ever see him again cause you’re just so mad. Um, so it’s critical. Critical that you understand that that is a stop sign. Like depression is a stop sign. It takes you down, it forces you to rest. Um, and it has different reasons, and I think I’ve talked about them in a different show.

Resentment is another stop sign. It says, whew, girl, [00:25:00] wake up. You cannot live without boundaries anymore. You cannot do this anymore. You have got to learn that you are a whole worthy person on your own. You are separate from other people. You, um, have the right to receive help. When you need help. You have the right to ask for yourself.

Uh, help you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself and realize that you do have a cup. You are a vessel of energy. And when your energy is gone, you need to refill. And when it’s gone, you stop giving it away to other people and you don’t give it away to other people until you actually have an overflow of energy.

When your cup running, it’s over. Then you help people with their burdens that they can’t carry. That’s another point is that you don’t have to help people who are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. The when we, when we serve others is because their burden is too great for them to bear. [00:26:00] Um, I was gonna say bear and carry Barry

Their burden is too great for them to carry on their own, which is a very, um, unusual situation. It’s when your husband is sick or gets injured or loses his job or your house burns down or something like that. That’s when it’s too great for him to carry on his own. You had to have clear agreements. When you come together in a partnership in a house, you have got to have agreements on.

The way that you were each going to use what’s in your cup to run the household. And so technically you both have like the same size cup, right? , but you may use that energy in different ways. You may look at challenges and strengths and decide that he is going to earn all the income and you are going to take care of the house.

You are not gonna have a full-time job because your cup is gonna have to go to everything else in the house, and his cup is going to go to [00:27:00] earning all of the burden of the income to pay for things that were in the. But you get to find that fair agreement and in the current agreement you have or the current non-agreement that you’ve just both been doing, that you have is no longer working for you, then you need to get together, have a little chat, say, do do.

I’ve noticed you hate doing this. Um, I seem to be slightly better at it than you. So we need to renegotiate our agreement here because if I’m going to be doing this all the. because it’s obvious that you are not, then something else needs to give because my cup only can do this and I’m out of, I don’t have anything else.

So what would you like to contribute from your cup? And this is the same thing in friendships and client relationships business. . Um, even when they’re your kids a little bit, they’re a little different cuz they’re always dependent on you. But [00:28:00] doctors, uh, contractors, you have to come to that agreement.

This is what I’m gonna give outta my cup. This is what you’re gonna give out of your cup. Do you agree to that? Okay, great. Most of the time that is, they are, you know, like, um, if somebody hires me, they’re giving me money out of their cup and I’m going to give them this whole program and all this, uh, time and all this content and education and everything else, that I give them.

We have to decide on what’s fair. How much do you value getting this from me? How much do I value getting that from you? And. We could go into whole discussion on values there, but the main thing is that the resentment is not there for you to go, oh, he’s a horrible person. I just have to get a divorce.

I’ll be so much happier. It’s there for you to go, why in the hell do I not have boundaries? How did I get [00:29:00] myself in this position? What do I need to change? What works for me? What doesn’t work for me? What am I taking on for other people that they are perfectly capable of doing the. How have I decided to, um, what’s the thing that they use in golf?

A handicap, I don’t even know how it works in golf, so I should use it, but it seems like an appropriate word to say, like when you have no boundaries, you kind of give other people these handicaps and you say, oh. He can’t do that. I’m gonna do that for him. But really it’s about control. It’s about being able to manage it all ourselves.

It’s about feeling worthy and needed. We give them that handicap, make them dependent on us, then they’re not gonna leave cuz they need us. , right. Um, so we have to release that, release that attachment from thinking that people have to be dependent on us to like us and stay with us, which could be a whole nother show.

Sometime we, that attachment can be so strong. [00:30:00] The idea that if we are not of value to other people, they will leave. Which is a joke. When we’re adults, we’re no longer dependent on anybody. We’re dependent on ourselves to fill our own cups. Our children are dependent on us until they grow up, but you shouldn’t be dependent on your husband to make you feel worthy or make you feel like a good person or make you feel happy, like you share your happiness with him.

You don’t derive it from him. What a horrible weight that would be to walk around with somebody else’s entire happiness quotient on your back, dependent on you. No, that’s ridiculous. So I’m going to end there for today. Because I’m losing my voice a little bit. I hope this helps you understand resentment a little bit more.

The book that I’m writing will definitely address this, so stay tuned for that. Um, if you wanna go take my emotions Masterclass. If this was kind of fascinating to you and you wanna know what else your body might be [00:31:00] telling you, you can go to the princess and the peeve. P e e v e.com and download a free emotion assessment, which just tells you what you’re feeling because you probably, you know, if you’re brand new into this work, you might actually have no idea what you’re feeling.

Um, and then once you download that, it offers you the course if you would like to take it. All right. I think that’s it for today. Remember that you’re a beautiful, wonderful, worthy person and there is nothing that you need to do to be, um, any more special or important than you already are. You already are worthy because you exist, because you are energy from the same source from which you came.

So therefore, you are divine. Whether you agree with that or not, you are so , so put your crown on, remember that you are, um, Just God’s gift to the world, like literally. So I will see you next time and have a great week.

 

To Learn More About Using Your Marriage to Become More Authentic, Click Here

Understanding your emotions is really a first step to healing because if you’ve been ignoring their wisdom all of this time, you will feel groundless and unsure of reality. You can start with my free emotion assessment called The Princess and the Peeve, and I highly encourage you to take my emotional mastery course, Royally Guarded.

To start understanding your emotions right now, CLICK HERE to download The Princess & The Peeve Emotion Assessment! 

 

 

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I'm Beth Rowles, Hi!

I help driven moms use the conflict in their marriage as a feedback loop to grow in self-awareness so they can create the marriage they, and their kids, deserve without leaving the one they're in or waiting for their husband to evolve.

I'm the author of The Authentic Wife: Uncaging Yourself Through Marriage and host of The Authentic Wife Show podcast & YouTube channel.

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