We often talk about emotional regulation or being in control of our emotions, but why does it matter?

What do our emotions mean? How do we change them? How do we shift out of a negative emotion or change our frequency?


In her book Quantum Love, Dr. Laura Berman gives us a “Quantum Love Map” to both correlate our emotional state (the energy in our body) to a frequency (basically the vibration of our energy) and to help us understand where we move out of Ego Frequency and into what she calls Home Frequency or Quantum Love.

quantum love map

At the bottom of the scale are emotions like shame, humiliation, guilt, blame, grief, and anxiety. These are in Ego Frequency or where we think life is happening TO us. We feel powerless.

As we move up, we get into emotions like anger, hate, scorn, entitlement, hope, courage, trust, and surrender. Here we think that life is at least happening BY us. We start to feel more of our power, or at least have more acceptance of life as it is and what’s out of our control.

Finally, we head into acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, love, reverence, joy, peace, bliss, and enlightenment. At this end of the spectrum, we see life as happening THROUGH us. In those times, we are in flow and taking action from this very aligned place. We’re making things happen. We’re noticing “quantum flirts” where we seem to find just the right book, person, or tool for what we really want to do. And, the people around us are matching our energy through a process called entrainment (more on that later).

But being in Ego Frequency isn’t a character defect or being unconscious, rather it’s here to serve us somehow to grow. Ego Frequency says there’s a lesson we need to see or some action we need to take. Sometimes that action might be rest. We might need more sleep. We might need to meditate or to go for a walk outside. Sometimes we need to grieve. We need to literally stop and mourn the loss of something we can’t get back. We need to just be. The point is that there are times when we absolutely need to feel what we are feeling, process, and release it… or allow it to be released rather than suppressing or repressing the emotion seeking to move through us.

Other times, it’s merely our thoughts keeping us there. That is when we need to change our thoughts to more supportive beliefs. We’re believing something we were taught or shown that’s just not true for us, or we’re acting against what we really want. For example, we might think others are always so rude to us or that we must not be likable.

And still other times, we need to trust the action this emotion is trying to get us to take. Rather than resting, we’re moving away from others in order to hold boundaries, we’re expressing our needs, or, in the case of panic or fear, we’re trusting our body’s fight-flight or freeze response to get out of danger! Even anxiety is alerting us to an approaching deadline and the action we need to take to meet it. We need to do, rather than be.

How do I change my frequency cover So, to recap, Ego Frequency can mean:

  1. You need to follow the emotion to do less / do something (typically feminine/being energy) to take care of yourself.

  2. You need to follow the emotion to question your thoughts and beliefs and adopt more supportive thoughts instead (a process made easier by the “lube” of regular meditation).

  3. You need to follow the emotion to do more / do something (typically masculine/doing energy) to take care of yourself.

Emotions are powerful messengers, but when we ignore them we get stuck in low frequency or power-stealing states and aren’t able to engage with life (and especially our loved ones!) in the way we need to in order to feel happy. It’s important to figure out why we’re down at the bottom of the spectrum so we can take the action we need to take and then shift up. We can’t spiritually bypass the emotions and jump right to enlightenment, because enlightenment is an EMBODIED state. It’s something we feel viscerally, not something we get to mentally.


I’d love to chat with you more about your marriage and how The Quantum Love Journey can help you create more of what you love in your life. Be sure to book a free chat with me or read more about conscious marriage here.

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